Wednesday, August 31, 2005

In which I attempt to explain myself.

I am a disenfranchised father.

Some time ago, my ex wife forced me out of my home and through the looking glass. She set about removing me not just from her life, but our son's also. She has been more successful than I could ever have imagined. I have spent most of the intervening period of time in a state of confusion and disbelief. I have fought and continue to fight with all I have to maintain my son's right to have a father and my right to be that father. This is quite unaccountably difficult. Does the world not like father's any more? It doesn't seem like it.

I have started this blog in order to try and sort out some thinking for myself, and perhaps to see if I can find some like-thinking people out there.


Anonymous said...

If you didn't have to pay any child support whatsoever, would you care all that much how frequently you saw your child?

Most men seem to be angry because they're not getting their money's worth, as if time with their child were a service they purchase instead of something they should treasure regardless of what it does or doesn't cost. They're angry because they have to pay money for a kid they don't see, not because they have a kid they don't get to see. Take the money out of the situation and it's as if they don't really care that they have a child.

John Doe said...

Anonymous, that is an exceptionally bigoted point of view and I take offense. If you read my blog you will notice that very little of it is to do with child support. Oh some is, for sure, but only because there is an inevitable link.

Some time ago, I was told that the court views the financial and contact parts of noncustodial parenthood completely separately. Being a naive, trusting sort, I believed this. However, it quickly became painfully obvious to me that if one wanted contact, one had to pay for it. Nevertheless, the obvious extortion that this represents outrages me. I do not pay for contact with my child. Period. Indeed, it is very obvious to me that I have been paying mother support, not child support (a point of view that I could easily extend to my entire marriage, for that matter).

Even if the court can't, I view paying "child support" as entirely independent from contact with my son. The latter is something I prize far more than mere money, and it has been taken away from me and him. Screw you and your "I know better" attitude. You know nothing. Get lost.

Anonymous said...

Silly commenter believes that money paid as "child support" actually has to be spent on child. The mother may be using it to buy new shoes for all we know. The courts require no receipts, etc that money paid as child support goes to the child. Until such a day as these records are required, it should be labeled as 'ex-spouse' support.

quickly-becoming-deadbeat-dad said...

So I just read a post of yours when searching for some Dad's perspectives on divorce... it hit a note, so I skipped to this original post - wow! I am truly scared!?

...I cannot believe the similarities between what you are saying and how I am feeling - how bloody naive have I been!

I moved out in August, and am now finally getting a letter in formal tone denying my right to makeup time based on a technicality, and, coldly, stating that she no longer needs to tell me anything of her life and that she no longer wishes to retain any friendship.

That's fine, we are divorced. Only, little by little, things I have taken for granted, things I have trusted her with, have slowly been shown to be lies, or devious attempts to manipulate the situation and gain more control over my children while limiting my access to them.

Is this normal? ...what can a dad do to remain in his kids lives?

I have a 2.5yr old son and a 1.5 yr old son, and I do not want to lose my time with them. I lost my job during the divorce, I am now getting evicted after 2 weeks with no electricity, and had my car repo'd last week - she is driving a brand new Subaru Forester, living in my (our) house, and shopping weekly for new clothes, etc. Each month I rack up $1400 in ex-spouse support payments that are being deferred until August (due to job loss) but are accruing as debt.

Somedays I feel like the only solution is to walk away and leave the country for a couple of years to get back on my feet... but I can hardly go a week without my boys without missing them so much it hurts - I was the primary parent for the first half of their lives, while she lay around doing nothing, and then finally got back into a grad program.

I soooooo agree with this whole feminism is a joke if it is not about equality for both sexes quote that you have.