Monday, August 25, 2008

The silence of the crowd

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." - Martin Luther King Jr.

Of all the aspects of my fight to remain a father to my son one which I have found among the hardest to come to terms with is the reticence to comment and apparent indifference displayed by a wide variety of people, from old friends to unknown bystanders. In particular, it hurts most that so many friends and colleagues when faced with manifest injustice do little more than tut, if that. It is as if they are struck dumb, and I am left confused and uncertain because I cannot tell what it is that they are thinking. If they really do think I am truly the abusive father that my ex would have them believe in, then they do not say so and I cannot address the question. If they believe that I am not than monster, then likewise they do not say and I cannot be reassured.

I have wasted much anxiety on this issue and can only conclude that MLK is right, eventually I won't care what my enemies have said. I know they are wrong. There is nothing more to consider. But my friends, who said nothing and simply watched, that I shall remember.


Anonymous said...

Hey man, I hear ya. I'm going through the same pain. It gets so frustrating. The feelings of powerlessness can be overwhelming.

In my case it all boils down to money. If I could afford all it would take to get custody, I would. I have a rock solid case of parental alienation.

Eight years ago I spent all I had, 28,000.00 to get visitation. I had eight years with my girls, then last month I moved to Chicago and mom took the opportunity to get yet another bull shit emergency order of protection.

Now I'm back to square one, and now 400 miles away. I'm sick. I'm tired. But I love my girls and I will fight till my last breath. It will probably be two years before I can so much as send a Christmas card to my kids. Not because I did anything, but I just do not have the money to fight.

When you tell people what you are going through, they assume you did something. That hurts. Hang in there bro. I'm with you in spirit.

Anonymous said...

I am the wife of a man going through a similar situation. I am so sorry for you. I am quite loud in my support of father's rights and admonishment of mother's who use their children as pawns. Godspeed my friend, you will be in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Your male friends are silent because they don't want to recognize that they could be put into your situation. Your female friends are silent because they can't decide if the general cause of your suffering is in their interest as women (btw: in the long run, it's surely not).

Nothing matters to adults more than their children. That's why your friends are silent.

Anonymous said...

It astounds me how many men I know ignore these types of realities. No matter how many links to blogs I send them... shockingly, the majority of MEN with whom I interact find the first reaction the best - we all just "hate women."

And I tell them all, look me up when you go through it. I will still be your friend and help you the best I can after I say, "I told you so."

(and you still owe me a link back)

MommaSheesh said...

My husband went through a lot of this with his ex.Like another of your commenters he had to stop fighting because he ran out of money. He used what little visitation he had to try to ensure his kids had at least one stable rational person in their lives and it paid off. By not bad mouthing their mother to them and simply treating them as human beings when he had them, low and behold, as each turned 14, they came to live with us-- we continued to pay her child support so that she would not drag us back to court, so we had very little money, but we did have all of the kids here in our home where we could help them become useful members of society.