Saturday, April 19, 2008

Child custody is not a ball game.

Glenn Sacks said: "in child custody cases the baby is like the football in a football game—whoever has possession is in control."

And I commented:

If this is the case, and it very certainly is, then the rules of the game need fundamental change. In fact, the game needs to be called off completely. The quickest way to do that is to preserve possession by both sides in the game. What's the point in playing ball if taking it from the other side is against the rules?

"The best interests of the child" doctrine is based on out of date, bad pseudo-Freudian "science". It is a simple-minded ideology which seeks to preserve the child's relationship with one, and only one, parent. Pretty much all the malignancies of child custody develop from this one cancerous idea. When there are suitable penalties for attempts to obstruct or disrupt the relationship between a child and either willing, adequate parent, then and only then will we see excrescences like the above receding into an embarrassing history.

8 comments:

Katie said...

I'm the child of divorce. I had the greatest pleasure of having my future handed to my mother. She had tried to kill herself more times than we could count. She didn't have a job. She lived in squalor. But somehow the judge thought she could do a better job than my dad. The guy who picked up the pieces everytime she fell apart. The guy with a steady job. The guy who loved us through it all. I can't even tell you the never ending cycle of destruction that my mother brought upon the five us. But hey, she won, right?

Anonymous said...

JADF,

I have been lurking here for 20 months without the courage to say anything about my own situation. I really feel for you but because your blog came to my attention only after my children were kidnapped by their mother I felt a guilt that did not allow me to say anything. But I lived all the setiments you expressed here (too numerous to list). Yet I want to thank you, because my daily visits to your site and the content you posted greatly strengthen me to continue the fight to have my children's rights to be with their father restored. It is an uphill battle, waged silently most of the time.
I would like to have the strength to chronicle it all. I thought of blogging like you, but I never came to it. I looked in vain for a group blogging site, hoping to hop on a more therapeutic experience with like-affected people. I feel it all inside needing to go out. I want to tell people about my experience so that they could avoid my mistakes.
Anyway, you cannot give up, and please keep hope alive.
Anonymous Coward

John Doe said...

Like you, I need to get it out, which is why I blog here. But it's not really what I need because no-one who reads this knows who I am nor any of the details of my case. To reveal that information would damage what little chance I and my son might have left. Is that cowardice? Also, writing this blog often feels like picking at a wound that won't heal, is it that part of what's keeping it from healing? As time goes on, I am able to write less and less. Does that mean the wound is healing (don't think so)? More likely it's that I am increasingly finding distractions away from the pain in everyday life. But when the light goes out at the end of the day, the pain is still there. We deal with it how we can. If you've survived 20 months of this, you're no coward.

Anonymous said...

JADF,

Thanks for being kind. I am still in the thick of it. Because I decided to leave my x-wife I am now being punished using my children a a club in a fight that I have not have the guts to fight. I cowed under social pressure in 1999 when I first wanted to divorce. In 2006 when I could not take it anymore, I made the mistake of being honest and upfront about my need to get out and start another life. The x-wife removed my children from me, with the help of a good part of my family. I cowed when others would say: "If I were you I would not worry about it, children always come back to their father, just be patient". I learned to hate silently and cut-off anyone who'd try to put out my fire to fight. Then I became openly hostile to them for saying so, and started being labeled as "crazy", "in crisis". Then I kept it to myself. The x-wife went public with her allegations (in a bought article), destroyed my business afterward going to my client and telling them "who" I really was. The memory of my deceased father was smeared in the process. I took all that silently, never responding that I left because I caught evidence of her cheating, her plans to use me as her retirement vehicle (web mail really leaves recoverable traces in cache). When I confronted her prior to leaving, her response was a cold: "you have nothing on me". I did not want my children to know when they grow up, I did not want my community to know that I was a sucker, so I cowed, again. Until she got access to the kids and took them to Brazil. A month later I got an e-mail from her father (who masterminded it all, I think) telling me that she was awarded full custody in a Brazilian court, and I did not even have visitation rights. The deception continues to this day. As soon as they learned I was back in the US, their attacks picked up.
Today I learned of their latest: use my friend's x-wife to allege that I am molesting her daughter while she visits her father. That way the my x-wife gets me in jail, and my friend's x-wife gets awarded full custody of her daughter.
JADF, I really need to blog this for others. This is not doing it justice and I am crowding your space here. Sorry.
Anyway, I plan to "preempt" by consulting a lawyer Monday. I am trying to find a way to prevent this evil scheme from being carried out. I made it known to my friend that I will fight. His passiveness just compounds my anger and drive. I got him to commit that he will stand with me when his x-wife gets into action. I also hope the lawyer will not brush me off. I mean JADF, just one unfounded accusation will suffice to tarnish my reputation, make me loose my clearance and job and probably get me in jail and I am an immigrant, african and muslim.
JADF, I will keep you posted. Thanks for lending an hear. Yours is in my daily-multiple page load. May we find relief.

Anonymous Cowed

Shortcake said...

i've never read your blog before this post, and i can't make any promises that i'll remember to visit again, but my heart goes out to you. i'm a child of divorce and was lucky enough to not have to go through any kind of custody battle. my parents had shared custody and even remained very good friends until my mom's unexpected death two years ago. they divorced when i was about 12 and i'm 22 now. it's almost weird to think of what it would have been like without the divorce because my parents were truly opposite people. i know this doesn't really help you, but i just want to let you know to keep your chin up and who knows... your kid might actually appreciate the agony he WASN'T put through had you stayed together with your wife. it may be tough now, but you're working towards a brighter future for everyone involved; this is all part of the process. just stay positive, and i hope everything works itself out.

cybro said...

What's to say? I'm amazed that men sign marriage contracts at all anymore. I guess they like getting screwed over in court.

Mister-M said...

I cruise by this blog fairly often. I appreciate different perspectives on similar situations.

Your no coward (either JADF or "Anonymous Braveheart").

If not for the experiences of others, I would not have mustered up the "second-wind" it took to work so hard to scratch out the 50/50 custody I currently managed (after 4-years and a disgraceful amount of money).

I was very reluctant to blog myself. Yes, it can be a drag going through the history and current events... but the response from people who said "MY GOD! There are other people going through the same stuff as me!!!" and their positive feedback has made it all worth it.

So, JADF... while I know ultimately, the goal is to achieve your dreams so that this can fade away into your own history... know that it does more people than will probably ever tell you - a world of good.

~Mister-M

Anonymous said...

Sad-dad

I feel your pain. The Florida courts let my X leave the state with my children "in the best interest of the children". basically she found a boyfriend in another state.

Their maternal and paternal grandparents, aunts, cousins all live here in Florida but the dumb judge still let her go to another state. Now someone tell me what kind of rational thinking was that? Anyway now my son is 18 now and graduated from HS. He lives with me now and I am trying to modify CS to only pay for my 15year old daughter which still lives with her mother. The X has not responded to me concerning my request to do this without costing us a ton of money in attorney fees. I love my children and they love me the X though can take a long walk off a short pier as far as I am concerned.