Sunday, September 26, 2010
On suffering
When a man first begins to suffer in a new way, he finds it all the worse for being unfamiliar and he is further distressed by not knowing how to respond. As he learns to cope, if he learns to cope, he expands his self understanding and repertoire of appropriate reactions to this and other forms of suffering. Only in this way can it be said that suffering brings wisdom, there are no other consolations.
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14 comments:
Okay,
I've stumbled upon your blog.
Interestingly, your post "On suffering" is exactly one year and one day, to the day. The day that I was hand-cuffed and escorted out of my home, placed into a patrol car and taken to jail. Charged with a misdemeanor offence.
There was no skirmish or resistance on my part. No animosity or hostility. Confusion, yes.
The Deputy Sheriff responsible(on paper) for making the arrest, genuinely apologized to me.
Three hours in the lobby of the County Jail. Posting bail, $300.
The Custody Officer's asked; "Can you call your Mom or Dad"
Nope, it's just me. Last of the Mohican's, as it were. I was released after three hours. And residing in a Hotel room (eventually for months.)
Restrained by an Ex Parte Order for eight days. Restrained from seeing my children, obtaining clothes, from entering my home.
When the Misdemeanor charges were dropped, (because they amounted to nothing more than lies and hysteria) A second Ex Parte Order was sought and granted through the Civil Court. Continuing a thirty day expulsion from all that I love and Cherish.
Faced with false allegations, absurd tales of emotional and physical abuse. That could amount to possible never seeing my children unsupervised, being placed into a Nation Wide Criminal Database... Interestingly, I was pressed by my attorney on these issues. I suppose that its their way of getting to the truth.
Given a choice to fold or face a trail. Issued warning, that trail was not the way to go.
I opted for a trail. I will not condemn myself, for lies told. Needless to say, no trial ensued.
Now, one year and one month later. Three lawyers later. Court Mediation, two successfully completed courses on co-parenting, two different counselors assistance in co-parenting, a dozen books read on subjects of "co-parenting" to "divorce poison"...and near bankrupt.
Legal separated, but not divorced.
I've continue on the path to improved relations. I see my children ever Wen and every other weekend. (And legally reducing a Father to 24 days a year is Absurd!)
It is a WAR, and we have to "kill them with kindness"...or we(men) will never win!
Suffering,...
Okay,
I've stumbled upon your blog.
Interestingly, your post "On suffering" is exactly one year to the day, that I was hand-cuffed and escorted out of my home, placed into a patrol car and taken to jail. Charged with a misdemeanor offence.
Three hours in the lobby of the County Jail. Posting bail $300. And residing in a Hotel room.
Restrained by an Ex Parte Order for eight days. Restrained from seeing my children, obtaining clothes, from entering my home.
When the Misdemeanor charges were dropped, (because they amounted to nothing more than lies and hysteria) A second Ex Parte Order was sought and granted through the Civil Court. Continuing a thirty day expulsion from all that I love and Cherish.
Faced with false allegations, absurd tales of emotional and physical abuse. That would amount to possible never seeing my children unsupervised, being placed into a Nation Wide Criminal Database... Interestingly, I was pressed by my attorney on these issues. I suppose that its their way of getting to the truth.
Given a choice to fold or face a trail. Issued warning, that trail was not the way to go.
I opted for a trail. I will not condemn myself, for lies told.
Needless to say, no trial ensued.
Now, one year and one month later. Three lawyers later. Court Mediation, two successfully completed courses on co-parenting, two different counselors assistance in co-parenting, a dozen books read on subjects of "co-parenting" to "divorce poison"...and near bankrupt.
Legal separated, but not divorced.
I've continue on the path to improved relations. I see my children ever Wen and every other weekend. (And legally reducing a Father to 24 days a year is Absurd!)
It is a WAR, and we have to "kill them with kindness"...or we(men) will never win!
Suffering,...
Here's an update on what's happening with Emily Rose in the US.
Emily's case is currently going before the US Supreme Court:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbweTH-HsBs
I also uploaded the video deposition of the convicted pedophile involved, Leslie Merriam:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkX9bCAgbew
December 15 2010 will mark one year since my children was taken by their mother and her really evil sister.
Allegations of sexual abuse towards the children have persisted even though there is no evidence and the children have stated nothing has happened when examined by social services etc.
But here I am, still going through the courts trying to see my children and the courts will not proceed until the police get off their useless arses and do something.
Days have been dark, sometimes very dark where I have wanted to end it all.
It's even harder for me as one of my sons was/is still undergoing treatment for cancer and I was his primary carer.
Funds are running low, danger that at some point I could lose the house. :(
comments hit home.... network & find others who have gone through some of this, like me. Divorce Poison does explain a whole heck of a lot of what IS happening. Father does not do the very best right thing, child looses big time.....
Peace to u man (fathers) & I need to read more of this blog, I just now found these pages...
hoping mine is "resolving"
I am encouraged to find anything online for fathers that is not looking to sell representation or a book. The organizations I find are always left dormant after the father who created them completes his own divorce and accepts the ridiculous way our laws treat fathers. Is there anyone with a lasting determination to change the way fathers are treated? The longevity of your blog is a welcome change.
Oh man, I feel your pain, is she entirely without remorse over what she is doing?, does she not realize karmic repercussions. I am in a relationship now, and I am going to sit down and seriously consider what on earth I am doing!!!
kia ora tatou folks
I am so relieved to be able to read something that describes exactly how I feel about the suffering I am experiencing and how frustrated it is when friends try to make meaningful comments along the line "in time" "your son will come back to you" etc.
It hurts, I have never been able to really articulate what it feels like knowing the likelyhood of seeing my son again let alone having a meaningful relationship is probably lost. I grief over the time lost and opportunities lost, not being able create memories.
Thank you for being able to articulate how I feel.
Keep up the good work
Kia kaha
Bruce Chase Lower Hutt Wellington New Zealand
It amazes me how little rights we have other than financial. Money is the only thing that the LAW keeps us responsible for - not being a DAD! It sucks. My ex started a rekindled relationship with her ex boyfirend before me via FACEBOOK. that relationship or feelings grew, hence there was no effort to work out any "issues" in our marriage. Essentially the only thing I am accused of being in the marriage is "not being a happy person".
I was told things about this guy when I was with her and he wasnt "good" now he's changed and the best thing since sliced bread.
I dont want my kids around him at all, but I have no right or way to do anything. We both agreed to keep dating away from the kids - but now her tune has changed. I do anythng she yanks the kids away from me thru any and all the potential means we have all ready about.
I wish I could sue her for 1) killing my life, 2) breaking the marrital contract, 3) blackmailing me thru threatening me to see the kids.
I know my situation is probably a dream for some guys, but I cant imagine it being more horrific for me.
I reached to all family and friends when I suspected all this and they said "oh no, I caouldnt believe..." and lookie lookie its out there for public knowledge that I was right and everyone is still there for her. I asked for the help and got NOTHING and in result lost those so called friends in the process. I am living through the reality of liars and cheaters can win.
People tell me the kids when they get older will realize what happened. Enough people have told me that who lived through it that I believe it to be true, BUT why do I have to lose ALL THOSE YEARS for her decision!?!?!?
I want my boys. I travel a lot for work. i have even considered cashing out my retirement to purchase my home so I can get a so-so job that I can live off of without a mtge. With my travel I had NO way of fighting for custody. Now I am not even sure if i was to do this the court would say, you have a greater earning potential and wouldnt reduce my payments in order to be with my kids more.
I have been told you have to move on, but most of those folks arent divorced OR have the kids except for the time they go the ex for visitation! Anybody else following this train!?
WHY WHY WHY are we so screwed as guys? Because of the dead beat dads of the past?
I feel I have nobody. I live states away from family (only 1.5 miles from my boys). I lost everything through this and it is all OK with everyone and the all the processes.
----WHY WHY WHY are we so screwed as guys? Because of the dead beat dads of the past?
Please, take my response as having a considerable amount of legal and political naïveté.
That said, I’d like to offer some of my personal perspective on why…”we are screwed”
Firstly, the current judicial system is and has been dealing with a large and developing societal changes. Problems occurring during these changes are multifaceted. And the problems adapt themselves in order to circumvent the solutions.
Firstly,
In 1994, in response to poorly defined and irregularly addressed issues of interment partner and family violence the Federal Government enacted “legislation that takes aim at the attitudes that nurture violence against women.”* The Violence against Women Act (VAWA). You may recall that was the year Nicole Brown Simpson was murdered.
What this mean’s to us(men). Some would say, men were the obvious focused target of this initial legislation. But that very argument, in itself is one of the multifaceted problems. In my opinion, it has taken away a tremendous amount of attention, effort and legitimacy from addressing the issues that are impacting good Husbands and Fathers.
reply: Bruce Chase
--- I wish I could sue her for
1) killing my life,
2) breaking the marital contract,
3) blackmailing me thru threatening me to see the kids.
--- why do I have to lose ALL THOSE YEARS
--- Money is the only thing that the LAW keeps us responsible for - not being a DAD!
Yesterday I entered the threshold of the residence my children and their Mom reside. A house I hold title to. A home we built from the ground up.
It's interior is in absolute disarray. In an inconceivable way, and resembles the conditions of home's featured on Learning Channels "Hoarding Buried Alive"
My point in sharing this bit of information, in response.
We don't get to chose our sufferings.
We can work with diligence toward solutions. We must keep are head held up despite the misplaced efforts of the well meaning people.
Anonymous asked; "..is she entirely without remorse..."
No, she is not without. I would say her initial expression was one of relief, someone extricated. She has chosen not to reflect or express remorse.
She is angry(most of the time), bitter(all the time) and cold.
So, I suffer in the common silence that all people with troubled loved ones must. For them, our direct attempts to assist present a danger. Viewed as a slight, an indication that they aren't strong enough or good enough to do things on their own.
Meanwhile, there world crumbles down around them.
My ex took off with my daughter when she was 18 months old, after I'd spent a couple thousand in lawyer fees trying to enforce visitation while she withheld my daughter for months regardless of court orders. It was one of those messy situations where the relationship was over before I ever found out she was pregnant.
The ex called out of the blue when my daughter was seven to ask if I wanted to be a part of her life. Uh, yes?? Insert a few years worth of drama until my daughter decided at 11 she was going to live with me, at which point the ex more or less dissappeared.
There were some hard years in there, some black ones. I earned a lot of bitter wisdom from it, and looking back am glad to have gone through it. I'd like to express some concepts that any fathers going through a similar situation *need* to accept. Right or wrong, there is currently no other path through the custody dilemma.
- Family court is not fair, or impartial. Everything favors the mother as if she is a victim, regardless of situation or circumstance.
- Remain calm. Always. I cannot stress this enough. Anger is not constructive, and precipitates a lot of drama with your ex. If you can't say anything constructive, then keep your mouth shut - you aren't helping your kid in any way. In the eyes of the courts an angry man is a violent man - as they do not know you personally, that attitude is justified. I started off as a mouthy 21 year old, and am now 35 and choose my words carefully.
- The price that you pay will be measured in years.
As BRAIN SPACE said, it is a war, but I do not think he grasps the nature of the war. It is not about being pro-male, or about winning. It is a war *for* your children, not against your ex, or the system, or the world. Small children are easliy manipulated, but at some point they figure things out. Who was the parent that was simply happy to see them? Who was the parent that never trashed the other parent, and always tried to be fairminded in those bad situations? Who was the sane one? I did none of these things to benefit myself - in truth, when my daughter was born I was none of these things - I became this person because my child needed a proper role model.
I'm not saying the system isn't horribly broken and needs fixed, but I'm a big fan of the idea that the world isn't fair, and maybe it shouldn't be. I'm also a big fan of the concept that the childrearing experience transfigures the parent on every level. We are only given so much time on this planet, and the things that we choose to spend that time on define us. You can bellyache about the pain and misery, or you can embrace the good moments. Stick with it, and at some point you'll see what I mean.
- …As BRAIN SPACE said, it is a war, but I do not think he grasps the nature of the war. It is not about being pro-male, or about winning.”
I disagree. Clearly, as you stated; “…Family court is not fair, or impartial. Everything favors the mother as if she is a victim, regardless of situation or circumstance.”
There is precedent, sentiment and argument supporting the aforementioned position currently held by the judicial system, law enforcement and legislation. The effort in the war is not one of demoralizing; tarnishing, destroying…Rather it is aiding, building, supporting a renewed positive image.
The struggle (war effort) is to reestablish a positive image (of Fathers) within the system’s in order to gain equality. What you and countless others have expressed about their experience within the Family courts is a true accounting of inequality. Too there are the countless voids in the support side the system.
However, the system in place supports a specific focus on women (Mothers).
The system is not broken, it is working as designed. The inequality of the system is not about fairness or lack off. It is about the design and how it is to serve.
I've come across your blog before, but haven't commented until now.
My story is that after raising my children for 10 years after the split, my ex (who came and went) convinced my youngest two to claim abuse.
Luckily for me I have a wife and other children who have stood by me. It is for that reason alone that I stayed out of jail.
However, I no longer have a relationship with my two youngest children.
I have been searching for understanding as to why this has occurred. Obviously I know the individuals (My ex and the children) and have some insights into their personal motivations.
But I was astonished at how the bigoted the social workers, the legal profession and, worst of all, the courts are.
For BRAIN SPACE, I recommend reading "Legalising Misandry" by Paul Nathanson and Katherine Young. It will go a long way as to explaining why - it's got very little to do with deadbeat dads of the past.
As for Anonymous, I must say that it is a war. It's not against him, me or any other particular man. It's a war against all men that has been running for some time.
He says "In the eyes of the courts an angry man is a violent man - as they do not know you personally, that attitude is justified". This statement is a result of the brainwashing that has been going on for years.
In the eyes of the court, an angry man should be seen as just that. An angry man! An angry man needs real victims with real cuts and bruises before he can be called a violent man.
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