Monday, April 04, 2011

April is Parental Alienation Awareness Month.

"Parental alienation and hostile aggressive parenting deprive children of their right to be loved by and showing love for both of their parents. The destructive actions by an alienating parent or other third person (like another family member, or even a well meaning mental health care worker) can become abusive to the child - as the alienating behaviors are disturbing, confusing and often frightening, to the child, and can rob the child of their sense of security and safety leading to maladaptive emotional or psychiatric reactions."

I'm beyond tired. Exhaustion fell behind years ago. I have seen it all: incompetent psychologists, willfully ignorant "friends", exploitative counsel, blatant judicial bias, rulings dripping with cynicism... You would not believe half of it.

It hasn't all been bad, I've seen occasional sparks of genuine concern, some from the most unlikely of places. (Indeed, the likely places have been uniformly barren.) I have seen real concern and blessed with some truly caring support and competent counsel. But it has been a losing battle, and the few victories largely Pyrrhic.

I have been places even I scarcely believe, both good and bad. I would love to spill it all out, but the audience is small and it would only be self destructive. ("Anything you say will be used against you...")

There are not many options left. The damage has already been done. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I could only attempt to prevent it being worse.

I found this today (here):

May God bless you with a restless discomfort
about easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships,
so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.
May God bless you with holy anger
at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
so that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom, and peace among all people.
May God bless you with the gift of tears
to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish,
so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough foolishness
to believe that you really can make a difference in this world,
so that you are able, with God’s grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.

Is this a blessing, or a curse?


Dad of One said...

I feel your pain. My ex has used a psychological 'professional', who would just approve anything she would do, while making me out to be the most inconsiderate, selfish jerk. With the help of this 'professional', she has completely turned my son against me. It is amazing how anti-male the courts really are. All of the MEN who fought and died for this country would be rolling over in their graves if they could see what their country was doing to their brothers. Hang in there. God sees what is happening, and His judgement is absoultely fair and unbiased. It may seem like a long time while we are here, but if you continue to do what is right and have faith in Him, you (and your child) one day will be with Him in Heaven.

Jim Muldoon said...

Blessing? Curse?

It is what it is.

I won’t be seeing my kids again. I know that for sure. It’s not what I wanted. But that’s how it is.

They’ve been turned against me by my ex. And the system, the state, the country, gave her the tools, and hired the talent, to make it all happen.

Your blog has been a lifeline for me. Thank you so much for that. When my own personal disaster struck, I had no idea of the misandry that pervades our society. I had no idea that our legal system in particular is rife with it, and that it is indeed systemic.

Your blog didn’t tell me how to fight them, how to beat them. But you are ahead of me in this fog of misery, and I was at least prepared for the “blatant judicial bias” and the “exploitative counsel”.

So, while I didn’t understand all of what was happening, I knew that I was being baited; I knew that all of my actions were either, in the eyes of the court, negative or neutral; I knew that it was indeed a witch hunt, and I the witch.

The real problem for me was the feeling that I might one day look in the mirror and not see a reflection.

Don’t get me wrong. I am sure all of this is hard on my children who have been turned against me. They will pay a terrible price for the rest of their lives. How do you live with your conscience when you’ve told lies trying to put your own father in jail? How do you live with yourself when your lies split your own family in two?

It’s also been hard on the children who stood by me. They got up one morning and found their family split in two. Testifying to the authorities, especially when they don’t want to hear what you have to say is hard enough for adults. It’s even harder when your own mother’s telling you not to. But that’s what my daughter needed to do to come back to me. That she did it fills me with such pride.

It’s also been hell for my wife. She has stood by me through all of this, a real example of “for better or for worse”. I really wish I could give her some “better”, because she’s certainly had some “worse”.

But at the end of the day, as well as the emotional pain of losing my children, my own society has decided that I don’t count. My testimony is meaningless; my years of devotion to my children doesn’t rate a mention; my pain is not worthy of discussion; and I am without judged without morals because I stood up in court. The view of experts is it is best that I just go away, because I shouldn’t be there if I am not wanted. Experts have decided that I am of no consequence.

That’s where your blog was important to me. I read you grappling with your confusion and pain, and I knew that whatever happens, I don’t need to lose my innermost self. I don’t need to lose my identity. That is important, because things can be rebuilt and made knew from that. I may have lost my kids, but I do have a life, a wife, other kids, and a whole lot more. There will be many who are not so fortunate.

In saying that, I’m writing this under an assumed name. I won’t use my real name (as you say
“[It] will be used against me”). I feel like Winston Smith, writing in his little diary in the alcove.

You say the audience is small. Regardless of its size, the audience is definitely quiet. I’m pretty sure that there are many men who don’t have the resources (financial or internal or both) to even think about standing up.

There will also be those who are in a morally ambiguous situation where some blame is on them.

The problem here is that men are being controlled by shame. I am ashamed that I raised children who betrayed me. I am ashamed that I didn’t defend them from their corrupt mother. I am ashamed that I can’t use my real name. I am ashamed that this happened to me.

There will be others who are too afraid to upset the ex or the authorities, or they’ll lose the little they have left.

It is what it is.

It’s what happens from here on that counts.

Thanks again for your blog.

Daddy said...

Thank you for sharing that. I hadn't heard it since I became 'one of us'!

Unknown said...

I feel your pain, and I am the mom.
I know all about everything we say being used against us.
I know all about the counseling and legal community not being able to do anything for us unless it is for their gain, or when they can, the nutty parent doing everything to thwart our efforts to have that person heard.
It's been a long time since I've seen my son, and I still don't understand why he's in this world if he can't have meaningful instruction from his own mother.

Anonymous said...

It warms my soul to read this, to know I am not alone in trying to show my kids that I still care about them even while I am being prevented from seeing them by a vindictive mother. Are there any support groups for disenfranchised dads? So few people really get it. The advice I get is usually to just go on with my life or to deploy the maximum legal force to "right the wrong." However, I think there must be a middle ground. Any ideas for support of dads like me who are looking for creative solutions to this insidious problem of parent alienation? Somewhere between the frontal legal assault and just giving up, there must be a middle ground. Even if not, I remember my boys every day and think it would be helpful to get and give support to others in this circumstance... Seeking ideas. With hope, --Dad

Unknown said...

I'd like to start a petition for the courts to have some sort of Law to protect the father & his rights..........I take care of my kids, however my x does NOT want to get a job and actually went out of her way to loose her job when we now the courts are telling me I have to support her, which means I could lose what I have worked so hard for so my kids could have a good home and future. Does anyone have any information they could share? Or is anyone interested in joining me and signing a petition to get this started??