Fathers are not "sperm donors"

Fathers are not sperm donors and sperm donors are not fathers.

Several times now, I have encountered transparently angry mothers who refer to their ex's as "sperm donors". I find this difficult to accept. A sperm donor is someone who provides a service, usually to a fertility clinic and in the expectation that he does not incur any liability for nor any further involvement with that child.

A father is a person who is known to a child. He was one of two willing participants in the conception and birth of the child and has normally participated in its upbringing at least up to a certain point. Even after the failure of the relationship, and even if he is so irresponsible as to take no further part in that child's life, he is still and will always be someone important to that child.

The epithet "sperm donor" directed at a father is derogatory and intended to objectify him. If he pays you child support, you might just as well call him "the walking wallet". It shows a failure of human respect and even if he richly deserves losing that respect, a properly adjusted adult will not do it. The only thing it achieves is to expose the anger and resentment of the mother and potentially will harm the child because even if she never uses the phrase in the child's hearing, the attitude will undoubtedly spill over. Children are very sensitive to this sort of thing, they will catch it, and the long term result will quite possibly be loss of respect for both parents.

In our society, it often seems to be acceptable that a woman be as vitriolic as she likes when she separates from her partner, whereas for a man, it is not. For him, in fact, it can be actively dangerous. Feminists want to be equal to men; if that is to be so, then they must accept the same responsibilities as men. Women do not want to be objectified and they should be vigilant in avoiding the hypocrisy of objectifying men. Women that do this will win the respect of men and of their fellow women, which is at least as significant as winning equality. Other women who encourage putting down ex's are indulging in throughtless gang behavior -- they are behaving like schoolkids clubbing together to stick it to another, and, as in any group of school bullies, any one of them can become the target at any time.

Separated fathers are forcefully enjoined against derogating the mother. They are warned never to put down the mother to the child and to be careful not to imply that she is anything but respected. The usual recommendation is, if the father feels too much resentment towards the mother, he should refer to her as "the mother of my child". This, at least, is a neutral and mature response to a difficult problem. Likewise, I would suggest to the angry mother to refer to her ex as "the father of my child".

Come on, mums, you're bigger and better than to call your kids' father their "sperm donor", would you have liked your mother to describe your father this way or thought better of her if she had?

I am sorry if this sounds pompous. I am expected to show respect towards my ex at all times, no matter what she does (and she does plenty). It distresses me that the inverse is not true.